Magical Moment

For our RAD kids, eye contact is challenging. A lack of security and trust in their relationships results in only brief episode of eye contact. Cutie would much rather look away and ham it up for the camera or anyone else watching, then stay "in the moment" with me.

My best chance at getting a few seconds of eye contact is to make a game of it (i.e. staring contest, funny faces, mirror me, etc)

However, this week we had a MAGICAL MOMENT of eye contact! A few weeks ago when Cutie was self-soothing, I held her hands and calmly told her, "Sweetheart, you don't need to do that to feel better. Look into my eyes and see my love for you. Then you will feel better." She glanced at my eyes and returned a blank expression....unable to see my love for her. I let it go (on the outside anyway, inside I was crying). This week, while Cutie floated in the bathtub, she searched my eyes for 20 sec. or so, then her eyes lit up. She sat up in the tub and exclaimed, "I see it, Mommy! I see LOVE in your eyes!" Oh, let me tell you...the tears came!

I told her "Cutie, my love is here every day for you. Anytime you aren't sure if you can trust me, look right here and see my love for you." We held hands and maintained a loving moment of eye contact in which my heart soared and I thanked God for the healing that is happening in Cutie's heart each day.

Surviving the HOLIDAYS with a RAD kid.

Since the holidays are quickly approaching I am going to take a minute to piggyback off of Andrea's post about the holidays and just give some examples of things that we do, friends of ours do or that I wish I did to help my RAD little guy out.  

We can often tell when our little clown needs to have some down time.  We start to see this face a lot.  Open mouth, and tension in the face that is masked as excitement. 

Others see it as him being happy and excited but we see it as the sign he is overstimulated.  

So, when we see this face or body language then we pull out our bag of tricks.

The first thing that we try is just pulling him to us.  We try and get him on our lap or take him off to another room and read a book or just chat or rest or play with the Ipod.  We try something that he likes to do but we get him in our presence and allow him to borrow our brain more effortlessly by giving him proximity to us.  We also try to shrink his world there.  We accomplish that by getting him in another room, or just focusing him on something that is just between the two of us.  It might be the ipod, a book or a conversation but it will be something that is just between the two of us.  

However, as you know, with a RAD kid often that does not work.  

Often by the time we see that face... 

and these tense hands...

it is too late for that and he can't handle our touch just yet.  

So, one of my favorite things is this tent that we found at IKEA.  It easily collapses into something close to the size of a golf umbrella.  We pull it out and put it somewhere where he is close to our family so he does not feel rejected or isolated...just secure.  We put him in it with a book and a stuffed animal and then we sit or stay close by the opening of the tent.  It has holes in it so that he does not feel isolated.  For our little guy a book and a stuffed animal is just right but for your kiddo it could be whatever helps calm them.  Our Clown happens to love stuffed animals and books so that works for him.  With another of my friend's kids she gives him something to chew on and music to listen to.

If we do not bring the tent with us we make do with a closet.  My sister started to read to my oldest son in the closet with a flashlight years ago and we have just tweaked that a bit and just use the closet as a place for him to calm and re-organize his brain.  It's not as ideal as the tent for our little guy but if you have a sensory defensive kiddo then it should be better.  It does not provide the opportunity for them to still feel close to you but it can get them centered so that they can tolerate you without a big blowup.

I was thinking the other day when he was playing that this little pop up thing (I think it's a clothes hamper but we have never used it as one) could make an easy stow and go sensory tent that I could keep in the car all the time.  Seems a bit weird to put your kiddo in a clothes hamper but if it works to get him collected and avoid a hold then I am all for it.

A guideline we use with our tent or the closet is that we are the ones who control when he goes in the tent.  Clown is one who likes to control everything so for us it has to be something that we tell him that he can use and if he asks for it our attachment therapist told us to say no...it must be guided by us.  So, we have to stay on top of it and get him in there before he asks for it...not normally a problem!!

A few of my other favorite tools to take with me are these:

Our OT suggests these brushes and he likes to have one to clam himself with.  He is also sensory seeking so he needs more input and this can help him calm sometimes.  We brush his arms and legs only and i try to be the only one who brushes him so he can connect it as a loving thing being provided by mom rather than him providing what he needs for himself.

 This is something a friend of mine does for her RAD kid.  She brings earplugs for her son.  Drowning out noise can help him to keep from overstimulation.  So, she carries these everywhere she goes and thse cool ones are something that he thinks are cool.  It deadens the noise but does not totally drown it out.


Another thing that we did last year and may do again is write a letter to our family members so that they are in the loop as to what we are trying to accomplish with our kiddo.  Below is a copy of the text of that letter just to give you an idea.

Here is hoping that your holiday is a wonderful one.  :)

 As, you all know that we went through an intensive therapy with Clown a few weeks ago.  It has brought about some changes in our lives..specifically in the area of parenting him.  He is diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder and has been for a few years now.  It basically means "he absolutely never learned that there is anyone in the entire world that he can depend on for one single thing".  This year has been hard for Clown and he has not coped with it well....and it was making life hard for our family as a whole.  Anyway, we have known this therapist for a long time and have benefitted from his workshops and writings for years but we were to the point where we needed more help for him.  So, we were able to go through a week long intensive therapy with him and his staff that was great.  It would take forever to explain it but the thought behind it is that we need to take control of Clown's life for him as if he were a much younger child.  He needs to be made to rely on us so he can find out that we are trustworthy.  

The big things you will want to know for our christmas as the cabin are that we are "making his world smaller".  What he needs more than anything in the world is us.  So, Stan and I are going to be keeping him within an arm's length most of the time.   We are not saying you can't enjoy him...just asking that you take your cues from us as far as when he needs to be with us. A few other things we would like to ask you to partner with us in are these:  Please don't get him rowdy...it is so EASY to do...but it is not good for him at all.  Lots of praise for Clown for any little thing is GREAT but contests and competition are not so if there are competition things we will sit him out and have him cheer on everyone.  We are going to bring a pile of books...books are a great thing for you to do with him.   One last thing....a great line for you to use when you see us caring for him is "look at that, your mommy/daddy knows just what you need".  

Also, please know that we are bringing him to christmas outside of our house despite the cautioning words of the therapist.  So, if we get to the cabin and he is unable to cope there is a chance that we may have to leave earlier than expected in order to do what is best for him.  

Love Dawn

Having a RAD Christmas

'Tis the season....for meltdowns, rages, and rejections of our love. The lack of a consistent schedule, large family gatherings, noisy class parties, and holiday performances make late November and all of December anything but holly and jolly for our RAD kids. I talked with our psychologist who specializes in attachment, Rick Sudsberry, about how to make this time of year go more smoothly for our RAD families. Here's his advice:

1. Avoid large family gatherings. Opt for meeting with a few family members at a time over the weeks before Christmas. For us, Christmas usually involves 25 people. This year we're going to celebrate with my husband's parents and a couple of aunts on Christmas Eve and keep Christmas Day just for our immediate family of 4.

2. Keep their world small. Avoid places like the Children's Museum, Bounce Houses, and arcades. The amount of visual and auditory stimulation in these crowded places is just too much for our kids especially this time of year. For us, we are staying home a lot playing board games, watching Christmas specials, making Christmas presents & cookies, and building gingerbread houses. If we go out, we choose a quieter, less busy place such as the gingerbread house exhibit at the Children's Museum, the Nutcracker Ballet at a small community theater, a holiday tea at Serenity restaurant in Zionsville, or winter activities at our local library.

3. Keep them out of busy shopping malls. I recommend shopping online, then YOU can avoid those stressful malls too! But, if you must shop at a store, leave your RAD child with your spouse, a grandparent, or hire a babysitter. The flashing lights, bright "Buy Me" signs, and hundreds of toys that your child feels he must have overstimulates him and stresses him out.

4. On the break from school, maintain a schedule. Our RAD kids function best when life is predictable. So, the times they wake up, eat meals, and go to bed should be consistent each day. Try to stay at home as much as possible.

5. Make 1-on-1 time a priority. Your RAD child really needs time with you every day. My RAD child is an early riser and so am I. We spend our special time together from 6:30-7:30 am before the boys in our house wake up. We snuggle (for about 30 seconds!), read books, sing, chit chat, and play a favorite game. I sneak in lots of touch and loving words during this time through tickles, nose touches, and "accidentally" bumping into her and giggling "Oh excuse me, sweetheart!" This time proactively sets us up for a good morning with the rest of the family.

6. Visit Santa at a less crowded locale. If you live on the northside, Clay Terrace has a small Santa house. You wait in line outside (so dress warm), but when it's your turn, you have the whole house to yourself and Santa's full attention. No screaming babies or feisty toddlers rushing your child's experience. The Santa has a real beard and is sweet as pie! (See pix at top.)

A Glimmer of Hope

The holidays are so stressful for RAD kids (and their parents). The busyness, school performances, and crowded households full of friends and relatives all contribute to the many bad days our kids have this time of year.

So, when our kids have a shining moment, it's cause for celebration. Last Sunday Cutie's class wrote their own version of the 23rd Psalm. My favorite line in Cutie's Psalm was "I am never alone when I'm with my mom. Thank you God for my family."

Celebrating this glimmer of hope with you!

Andrea

My Nutso Moment

So, here is goes.  This blog is suppose to be one that helps others not feel alone, one where we can relate to one another, one that gives a face to RAD.  So, I was venting via email to Andrea (my bloggy partner) just now and I realized that this is the stuff that needs put out there.  This is the kind of thing that we RAD parents can all relate to and if I don't share it transparently  why would anyone else?  

So here it goes...

My clown is escalating again. 

I am stressed about it. 

I am having a pity party about it.  

 There have been a lot of issues at school lately. 

We had an appointment this week with the Geneticist (because he is lucky enough to have more than one diagnosis of course...YIPPEE).  That appointment did not go well for Clown.  

We also had an appointment with the pediatrician this week that did not go well. 

Then to top it off we had a dentist appointment and....

YEP...

You guessed it...

MORE BAD NEWS...

So I just sat there and cried in the office wondering is there EVER a place that this little boy can go without bad news?  

Is there ever a place where his mama can go without hearing more bad news?  

Will the day come that we go somewhere, anywhere, and hear a report that says "All is well. We will see you back next year."?

And if that day never comes for this little boy and this particular mama will we both be ok?

I am guessing that the answer is, "Yes"...

But it's just a guess.  

Do you have those days?  

Do you have those moments when, even though you are in a dentist office and received news that pales in comparison to the rest of the news you have gotten that week, you cry and make the people at the office think you are a nut for crying because your child needs two fillings?

But there I sat...my face in my hands, seemingly crying because my son needed two fillings.  

Once again proving that RAD parents truly are nutso!!!

YOU'RE WELCOME!

RAD? ADHD? or Bipolar?

The charts above were created by our amazing Attachment Therapist, Rick Sudsberry. They compare/contrast symptoms of ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, and Reactive Attachment Disorder. Material was taken from the book Attachment, Trauma, and Healing by Terry Levy and Michael Orlans. To see an enlarged view of each chart in a new window, click on it.

You Might Be a RAD Parent If...

Have you seen Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might Be a Redneck If..." lists? Well, my list includes many of the comments and behaviors I've seen from my RAD Cutie. Enjoy!

...you've heard, "I hate you and you hate me...forever!"

...you've been hit, punched, bit, slapped, kicked, and head-butted before 9:00am.

...your child hugs total strangers with the same intensity she/he hugs you.

...you find candy wrappers under beds, behind the toilet, and between couch cushions and know your child has snuck most of his/her Halloween candy in the first week.

...your child picks the locks you've placed on the pantry and fridge.

...your child smacks siblings for seemingly no reason.

...you have developed cat like reflexes to avoid the scratches of your child

....you've seen bananas, flip flops, and pencils flying across your kitchen propelled by your child's frustration and anger.

...your child uses witty comments, smiles, and/or compliments to charm nearly everyone he/she meets.

...your child makes you laugh, cry, and want to scream all within 5 minutes.

...you love your child with all your heart and wish he/she knew it.

Do I have a RAD kid?

You may be asking yourself, how do I know if my child has attachment issues. What are the warning signals. Below are lists of characteristics of children who are either anxious or avoidant in attachment. These lists come from Dr. Rick Sudsberry's book, Relationship Parenting. It's one of my favorite books because it not only helps you identify your child's attachment style, it also gives wonderful ideas for activities you can do with your child at different ages to build healthy attachment into your relationship.

Characteristics of a Child that is Anxious in Attachment

• Lacks playfulness, or is too silly, even in serious situations
• Few smiles
• Less eye contact than secure child, or makes eye contact only on his/her terms
• Controlling or withdrawn
• Often upset (angry or hurt)
• Withdraws when in pain
• Unenthusiastic
• Anxious about new experiences
• May cling or be needy for attention because of unmet needs
• May become perfectionistic
• Needy about friends or has few close friends
• May deny need for love, has difficulty expressing personal feelings
• Little sharing of thoughts and feelings or has excessively exaggerated negative feelings about self and/or others
• More reactions or withdrawal than problem solving during conflicts

Characteristics of a Child that is Avoidant in Attachment

• Lacks playfulness unless it is painful to others (hitting, mean laughter or play)
• Lacks smiles, unless manipulating others
• Avoids eye contact unless child is in control
• Laughter is cruel and at others' expense
• Avoids affectionate tough from others
• As an infant may cry a lot, inconsolable
• Child may cry a lot of not at all
• Expresses "I don't care" attitude during conflict and stressful situations.
• Avoids close contact with parents, but may appear charming to strangers
• Aggressive or isolated; may feel anger at others
• Has few close friends, or superficial friends who get in trouble and misbehave; loyalty to peers is based on fear and jealousy.
• Dismisses loving or vulnerable feelings, and lacks sincere warmth
• Doesn't process thoughts or feelings internally
• Reacts to life and his/her control of it
• Lacks problem solving in difficult experiences
• May lack guilt or remorse

Dr. Sudsberry goes on to say, "Should you recognize any of the anxious or avoidant attachment characteristics in yourself or your child, do not panic. The list is simply meant to guide your understanding of how the child's behavior and attitudes may reflect unresolved needs in her life."

For my cutie, she demonstrates 11 of the 14 Anxious Attachment characteristics and 7 behaviors from the Avoidant Attachment list. Fortunately, our cutie was diagnosed with Attachment Disorder at a relatively young age (8). Our family participated in an Intensive Outpatient Program with Dr. Sudsberry for 36 hours over a period of 2 weeks. We are now about 3/4 of the way through his follow-up program. We meet with him biweekly for 2 hour treatment sessions. At Dr. Sudsberry's recommendation, I also opted to home school my cutie (I took FMLA from my job) for the first 3 months of this school year. By having this concentrated time of one-on-one interactions, I'm starting to see signs of healthy secure attachment in our mother-daughter relationship. Below are the characteristics of a Secure Child.

Characteristics of a Secure Child

• Maintains eye contact, even on others' terms
• Frequent smiles, laughter
• Playfulness
• Usually complies with adult direction
• Is comfortable initiating activities on his/her terms
• Resilient in new situations and solves conflict in stressful circumstances
• Plays well with others (Preschoolers-parallel or cooperative play with peers; Elementary School Age-friendships from neighborhood, school, and activities; Teens-male and female friendships, and sustains healthy peer relations)
• Willingness to engage in physically active play and to take risks emotionally
• Affectionate and enthusiastic
• Participates in new experiences

I hope this post helps you identify your child's attachment style and helps you determine if it's time to seek out an attachment therapist. I recommend Dr. Rick Sudsberry. He's an expert at reaching our attachment challenged children. He has brought our Cutie further along in 4 months than the general practice psychologists/ counselors she had seen for the past 2 years. I remember the first time I read the list of characteristics of a secure child. I cried as I realized our Cutie only had 2 behaviors that demonstrated healthy attachment. If you're in tears right now, I want to encourage you that change is not only possible but probable. Our kids need us to love them in very intentional ways. The methods I use with my Cutie are much more creative. They're more of a back-door approach to love and affection when compared to the direct front-door approach I use with my securely attached son. For me, none of these back-door approaches was intuitive. It's only been through books I've read and notes taken during our sessions with Dr. Sudsberry that I have begun to understand my Cutie's needs and how to best meet them. I pray you will find these answers for your child too.

Here We Go...

Well, here goes.  I am starting this blog as another way to connect with all of you out there who are parenting a child or children with Reactive Attachment Disorder.  Over the last year I have received so many phone calls, messages and emails from moms with kids who have RAD who just want to know that they are not alone.    I myself am blessed with one such child and I know how very isolating it can feel.  Wanting desperately to feel like you are not crazy or a bad parent and wanting even more desperately to know that you are not alone...that SOMEONE...ANYONE understands.  And wanting so desperately for your child to be healed that when you think about it for too long you literally can not breathe.  

I have been there...many days I am still there (though our son is finally beginning to heal).  I get it and I want others to know that they are not alone.  So, here it is. . . one more place where you can come to find others who can say those words you so desperately want to hear, "I UNDERSTAND".  

If you are not a parent of a child with RAD please know that you are welcome to lurk here too.  I would love it if even one of you were able to read the posts and comments on this blog and gain enough understanding of what life with a RAD kid is like enough so that you could support someone who lives it.  To me THAT would be a huge blessing.  However, as a word of caution.  Please remember that this can be a delecate subject and it is like many things in life.  It is something that you can NOT understand unless you live it.  So, if you choose to comment please keep your comment positive and uplifting.  This is not a pity party, it is just TRUE.   Parents of RAD kids are yelled at daily if not hourly or more so the last thing any of us need is someone else yelling at us or being unkind to us.