Characteristics of a Child that is Anxious in Attachment
- Lacks playfulness, or is too silly, even in serious situations
- Few smiles
- Less eye contact than secure child, or makes eye contact only on his/her terms
- Controlling or withdrawn
- Often upset (angry or hurt)
- Withdraws when in pain
- Unenthusiastic
- Anxious about new experiences
- May cling or be needy for attention because of unmet needs
- May become perfectionistic
- Needy about friends or has few close friends
- May deny need for love, has difficulty expressing personal feelings
- Little sharing of thoughts and feelings or has excessively exaggerated negative feelings about self and/or others
- More reactions or withdrawal than problem solving during conflicts
Characteristics of a Child that is Avoidant in Attachment
- Lacks playfulness unless it is painful to others (hitting, mean laughter or play)
- Lacks smiles, unless manipulating others
- Avoids eye contact unless child is in control
- Laughter is cruel and at others' expense
- Avoids affectionate tough from others
- As an infant may cry a lot, inconsolable
- Child may cry a lot of not at all
- Expresses "I don't care" attitude during conflict and stressful situations.
- Avoids close contact with parents, but may appear charming to strangers
- Aggressive or isolated; may feel anger at others
- Has few close friends, or superficial friends who get in trouble and misbehave; loyalty to peers is based on fear and jealousy.
- Dismisses loving or vulnerable feelings, and lacks sincere warmth
- Doesn't process thoughts or feelings internally
- Reacts to life and his/her control of it
- Lacks problem solving in difficult experiences
- May lack guilt or remorse
Dr. Sudsberry goes on to say, "Should you recognize any of the anxious or avoidant attachment characteristics in yourself or your child, do not panic. The list is simply meant to guide your understanding of how the child's behavior and attitudes may reflect unresolved needs in her life."
For my cutie, she demonstrates 11 of the 14 Anxious Attachment characteristics and 7 behaviors from the Avoidant Attachment list. Fortunately, our cutie was diagnosed with Attachment Disorder at a relatively young age (8). Our family participated in an Intensive Outpatient Program with Dr. Sudsberry for 36 hours over a period of 2 weeks. We are now about 3/4 of the way through his follow-up program. We meet with him biweekly for 2 hour treatment sessions. At Dr. Sudsberry's recommendation, I also opted to home school my cutie (I took FMLA from my job) for the first 3 months of this school year. By having this concentrated time of one-on-one interactions, I'm starting to see signs of healthy secure attachment in our mother-daughter relationship. Below are the characteristics of a Secure Child.
Characteristics of a Secure Child
- Maintains eye contact, even on others' terms
- Frequent smiles, laughter
- Playfulness
- Usually complies with adult direction
- Is comfortable initiating activities on his/her terms
- Resilient in new situations and solves conflict in stressful circumstances
- Plays well with others (Preschoolers-parallel or cooperative play with peers; Elementary School Age-friendships from neighborhood, school, and activities; Teens-male and female friendships, and sustains healthy peer relations)
- Willingness to engage in physically active play and to take risks emotionally
- Affectionate and enthusiastic
- Participates in new experiences
I hope this post helps you identify your child's attachment style and helps you determine if it's time to seek out an attachment therapist. I recommend Dr. Rick Sudsberry. He's an expert at reaching our attachment challenged children. He has brought our Cutie further along in 4 months than the general practice psychologists/ counselors she had seen for the past 2 years. I remember the first time I read the list of characteristics of a secure child. I cried as I realized our Cutie only had 2 behaviors that demonstrated healthy attachment. If you're in tears right now, I want to encourage you that change is not only possible but probable. Our kids need us to love them in very intentional ways. The methods I use with my Cutie are much more creative. They're more of a back-door approach to love and affection when compared to the direct front-door approach I use with my securely attached son. For me, none of these back-door approaches was intuitive. It's only been through books I've read and notes taken during our sessions with Dr. Sudsberry that I have begun to understand my Cutie's needs and how to best meet them. I pray you will find these answers for your child too.
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