RAD? ADHD? or Bipolar?

The charts above were created by our amazing Attachment Therapist, Rick Sudsberry. They compare/contrast symptoms of ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, and Reactive Attachment Disorder. Material was taken from the book Attachment, Trauma, and Healing by Terry Levy and Michael Orlans. To see an enlarged view of each chart in a new window, click on it.

You Might Be a RAD Parent If...

Have you seen Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might Be a Redneck If..." lists? Well, my list includes many of the comments and behaviors I've seen from my RAD Cutie. Enjoy!

...you've heard, "I hate you and you hate me...forever!"

...you've been hit, punched, bit, slapped, kicked, and head-butted before 9:00am.

...your child hugs total strangers with the same intensity she/he hugs you.

...you find candy wrappers under beds, behind the toilet, and between couch cushions and know your child has snuck most of his/her Halloween candy in the first week.

...your child picks the locks you've placed on the pantry and fridge.

...your child smacks siblings for seemingly no reason.

...you have developed cat like reflexes to avoid the scratches of your child

....you've seen bananas, flip flops, and pencils flying across your kitchen propelled by your child's frustration and anger.

...your child uses witty comments, smiles, and/or compliments to charm nearly everyone he/she meets.

...your child makes you laugh, cry, and want to scream all within 5 minutes.

...you love your child with all your heart and wish he/she knew it.

Do I have a RAD kid?

You may be asking yourself, how do I know if my child has attachment issues. What are the warning signals. Below are lists of characteristics of children who are either anxious or avoidant in attachment. These lists come from Dr. Rick Sudsberry's book, Relationship Parenting. It's one of my favorite books because it not only helps you identify your child's attachment style, it also gives wonderful ideas for activities you can do with your child at different ages to build healthy attachment into your relationship.

Characteristics of a Child that is Anxious in Attachment

• Lacks playfulness, or is too silly, even in serious situations
• Few smiles
• Less eye contact than secure child, or makes eye contact only on his/her terms
• Controlling or withdrawn
• Often upset (angry or hurt)
• Withdraws when in pain
• Unenthusiastic
• Anxious about new experiences
• May cling or be needy for attention because of unmet needs
• May become perfectionistic
• Needy about friends or has few close friends
• May deny need for love, has difficulty expressing personal feelings
• Little sharing of thoughts and feelings or has excessively exaggerated negative feelings about self and/or others
• More reactions or withdrawal than problem solving during conflicts

Characteristics of a Child that is Avoidant in Attachment

• Lacks playfulness unless it is painful to others (hitting, mean laughter or play)
• Lacks smiles, unless manipulating others
• Avoids eye contact unless child is in control
• Laughter is cruel and at others' expense
• Avoids affectionate tough from others
• As an infant may cry a lot, inconsolable
• Child may cry a lot of not at all
• Expresses "I don't care" attitude during conflict and stressful situations.
• Avoids close contact with parents, but may appear charming to strangers
• Aggressive or isolated; may feel anger at others
• Has few close friends, or superficial friends who get in trouble and misbehave; loyalty to peers is based on fear and jealousy.
• Dismisses loving or vulnerable feelings, and lacks sincere warmth
• Doesn't process thoughts or feelings internally
• Reacts to life and his/her control of it
• Lacks problem solving in difficult experiences
• May lack guilt or remorse

Dr. Sudsberry goes on to say, "Should you recognize any of the anxious or avoidant attachment characteristics in yourself or your child, do not panic. The list is simply meant to guide your understanding of how the child's behavior and attitudes may reflect unresolved needs in her life."

For my cutie, she demonstrates 11 of the 14 Anxious Attachment characteristics and 7 behaviors from the Avoidant Attachment list. Fortunately, our cutie was diagnosed with Attachment Disorder at a relatively young age (8). Our family participated in an Intensive Outpatient Program with Dr. Sudsberry for 36 hours over a period of 2 weeks. We are now about 3/4 of the way through his follow-up program. We meet with him biweekly for 2 hour treatment sessions. At Dr. Sudsberry's recommendation, I also opted to home school my cutie (I took FMLA from my job) for the first 3 months of this school year. By having this concentrated time of one-on-one interactions, I'm starting to see signs of healthy secure attachment in our mother-daughter relationship. Below are the characteristics of a Secure Child.

Characteristics of a Secure Child

• Maintains eye contact, even on others' terms
• Frequent smiles, laughter
• Playfulness
• Usually complies with adult direction
• Is comfortable initiating activities on his/her terms
• Resilient in new situations and solves conflict in stressful circumstances
• Plays well with others (Preschoolers-parallel or cooperative play with peers; Elementary School Age-friendships from neighborhood, school, and activities; Teens-male and female friendships, and sustains healthy peer relations)
• Willingness to engage in physically active play and to take risks emotionally
• Affectionate and enthusiastic
• Participates in new experiences

I hope this post helps you identify your child's attachment style and helps you determine if it's time to seek out an attachment therapist. I recommend Dr. Rick Sudsberry. He's an expert at reaching our attachment challenged children. He has brought our Cutie further along in 4 months than the general practice psychologists/ counselors she had seen for the past 2 years. I remember the first time I read the list of characteristics of a secure child. I cried as I realized our Cutie only had 2 behaviors that demonstrated healthy attachment. If you're in tears right now, I want to encourage you that change is not only possible but probable. Our kids need us to love them in very intentional ways. The methods I use with my Cutie are much more creative. They're more of a back-door approach to love and affection when compared to the direct front-door approach I use with my securely attached son. For me, none of these back-door approaches was intuitive. It's only been through books I've read and notes taken during our sessions with Dr. Sudsberry that I have begun to understand my Cutie's needs and how to best meet them. I pray you will find these answers for your child too.

Here We Go...

Well, here goes.  I am starting this blog as another way to connect with all of you out there who are parenting a child or children with Reactive Attachment Disorder.  Over the last year I have received so many phone calls, messages and emails from moms with kids who have RAD who just want to know that they are not alone.    I myself am blessed with one such child and I know how very isolating it can feel.  Wanting desperately to feel like you are not crazy or a bad parent and wanting even more desperately to know that you are not alone...that SOMEONE...ANYONE understands.  And wanting so desperately for your child to be healed that when you think about it for too long you literally can not breathe.  

I have been there...many days I am still there (though our son is finally beginning to heal).  I get it and I want others to know that they are not alone.  So, here it is. . . one more place where you can come to find others who can say those words you so desperately want to hear, "I UNDERSTAND".  

If you are not a parent of a child with RAD please know that you are welcome to lurk here too.  I would love it if even one of you were able to read the posts and comments on this blog and gain enough understanding of what life with a RAD kid is like enough so that you could support someone who lives it.  To me THAT would be a huge blessing.  However, as a word of caution.  Please remember that this can be a delecate subject and it is like many things in life.  It is something that you can NOT understand unless you live it.  So, if you choose to comment please keep your comment positive and uplifting.  This is not a pity party, it is just TRUE.   Parents of RAD kids are yelled at daily if not hourly or more so the last thing any of us need is someone else yelling at us or being unkind to us.